Fedors, Jonathan Paul
Born: 11/10/85, Belleville, NJ
Resides: Union, NJ
HT/WT: 5'7"/187lbs.
Bats: R
Throws: R
Despite a slow start, Jon claims it is his supreme goal "to not suck at life." "However," he adds, "everything else is neglible." I, his interviewer, not quite understanding the inherent contradiction of that train of thought, smacked him in the head with an Algebra 2 Honors textbook and went to buy some pizza.
While purchasing a sicilian slice from Lisbon Pizzeria, I suddenly felt this empty pang of guilt reverberate through me. Empty stomach, I said. But no. I should try to find out information for Fedors's bio. So, I asked the guy behind the counter about Jonathan Fedors.
His response: "The world is ending soon. Repent now before you perish in the fiery flames. Here is your slice of pizza."
I asked him his prediction for the Wiffle Ball World Series.
"I like Evan Miller's Team. I also like wearing ladies' underwear."
I asked him if he was supposed to be speaking as Jonathan Fedors, but before he could respond, he had a heart attack and died. I later went onto the street and asked the Gotham Apartment Complex what it thought about Jonathan Fedors.
"Well," it said, "he's not that funny but he's fairly smart and he always tries hard. It's a shame he won't amount to anything worthwhile. He's the most extraordinary ordinary kid you'll ever meet. Can't hit much more than a lucky grounder for shit. Can field, though. Mostly. His real strength is writing so he occupies his time with things that don't involve that whatsoever. He's a role model of mine. We have a lot in common. You see..."
Suddenly, Mr. Irvine walked by and spit in my face. Gotham quieted while someone chased after Irvine with an ATV and handed him a Teacher of the Year Award. I guess that was all I would find out about Jonathan Fedors. As the sun shone overhead, I thought to myself, I get happy whenever the world is broken.
Web Master's Note: I did not write this. However, I decided to use the bio Fedors wrote to convey this point: in his spare time, which he apparently has too much of, he likes to write like a pompous ass.
